


The Appleby File

by caulkhead



Category: Sherlock (TV), Yes Minister
Genre: Gen, WIP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-19
Updated: 2011-03-13
Packaged: 2017-10-12 18:44:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/127901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caulkhead/pseuds/caulkhead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Civil Service highflyer may need his wings clipped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_From the private papers of Sir Humphrey Appleby_

Met Arnold at the club this evening. He seemed concerned, which surprised me, as our lords and masters have been unusually well behaved of late. A couple of glasses of the better whisky persuaded him to open up a little. It seems he is having problems with his latest protege, young MH. I wondered if MH, like Woolley, is sometimes a little slower on the uptake than is desirable in those whose task it will one day be to steer our great ship of state.

"No, no, it's not that at all. Quite the opposite. Gets things done. The problem is, he has a taste for drama. The flourish."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Flamboyant, would you say?"

"No. At least, I don't think so. But he likes the grand gesture. Grand Guignol, sometimes."

I was appalled.

"Arnold, surely you can't mean he has the instincts of – a _politician?"_

He was quick to reassure me.

"He doesn't want public acclaim. But he wants the people he deals with to appreciate how terrifyingly clever he is. Sort of chap who'd do well South of the river. Where he must on no account go."

"Keep your friends close, hmm?"

"Indeed."

So, the question is, how do we keep young MH both close enough to ensure that his sense of the dramatic does not ruin the best laid plans of his elders and betters, and at enough of a distance that he does not try to supplant them? I suggested that a short spell in Hacker's office would be enough to try the most ingenious of minds, particularly if it were to coincide with one of his periodic economy drives.


	2. The Big Society

_From the memoirs of the Rt Hon Jim Hacker MP_

New communique from No.10 this morning. The PM is very keen to see members of the cabinet playing their part in the Big Society. Plenty of opportunity for newspaper coverage here, and as my department has been tasked with coordinating the government's efforts in organising the initiative, it is vital that we are seen to be involved. I decided to start with a straw poll in the office when Bernard brought me the morning's documents.

“Bernard, do you volunteer for anything?”

He looked slightly pink and shuffled his feet a little. Civil servants don't like to be caught out in anything altruistic.

“Well, I'm a governor at my daughter's school, Minister. I'm not sure I'd describe it as voluntary, though, it was more a case of...”

“Very creditable, Bernard,” I congratulated him. “What about you, Humphrey?”

“Well, naturally, Minister, one's dedication to the administrative burden does rather preclude spending as much time assisting these doubtless very worthy causes as one would hope. Nevertheless, I do serve in my own small way on the boards of one or two organisations which, though I say so myself, do a great deal to enhance the cultural standing of the nation.”

He beamed at me. Fortunately, I had taken the opportunity to google his charitable activities earlier that morning.

“The trustees of the Royal Opera House and the Committee at Lord's? Admirable, Humphrey.”

“One does one's poor best.”

I rather thought I had scored a point there, but you can never keep Humphrey down for long.

“And may I say, Minister, how sorry we all were that the recent cuts in Government spending curtailed your own involvement in the unpaid activity that does so much to keep Westminster running smoothly. The loss of the Government Hospitality Advisory Committee for the Purchase of Wine was a great blow, I felt.”

I didn't want to get too bogged down in detail, so I thought it best to move on swiftly to the real point of the discussion here. However, before I could begin explaining my Grand Plan to put the department at the beating heart of the movement that is spearheading the Big Society, Sir Humphrey's secretary came in and announced he had a visitor. I didn't want to have to explain everything all over again, so I got on with my sift through the morning papers while he went out to deal with it.

When he came back in, he was with a tall, beady-eyed chap who looked suspiciously like a cat who's just swallowed the canary. Standard civil service issue, really. This, Humphrey explained, was Mycroft Holmes, who was 'on secondment' to the Department for a couple of weeks. I asked what he was on secondment from.

“Oh, this and that, Minister. This and that,” said Humphrey airily1. Behind him, Bernard looked suspiciously as if he was trying to hide behind the curtains.

“Stop fidgetting, Bernard,” I said.

“Sorry, Minister,” he muttered, looking rather shamefaced. Then I got everybody to sit down while I explained The Plan. There was an article I had seen in the Mail while I was waiting for Humphrey to come back with his visitor which had given me a wonderful idea.

People are always moaning about the cost and effectiveness of police operations – generally in the same breath in which the complain about us taking bobbies off the beat. So, if I could find a way of solving a couple of high-profile cases, without using any police manpower at all, I could highlight the savings and, at the same time, spend more money putting the police back where they belong, then I win all round.

Bernard tried to explain that if I spent the savings on additional policemen, then I hadn't, technically, saved anything at all. I ignored his petty quibbling, and swept straight on to the really brilliant part. There's a blog Annie's been reading lately about a chap who calls himself a consulting detective. Fascinating stuff, and it's been getting a lot of hits since a few of his recent cases hit the headline. Solves the kind of thing the police can't deal with, and – best of all – he appears to do it for free. Now, getting private expertise to help with public difficulties is the just the thing to get the PM's attention. And – as it happens – the press had highlighted a case that very morning. A stowaway had been found drowned in the rudder compartment of a big containership calling at Felixstowe, but since he couldn't have boarded in the UK, no-one was investigating. Unfortunately for the police, it had been a slow news day: “PORT SECURITY SCANDAL “NONE OF OUR BUSINESS” - How safe are our borders?” in the _Mail_. “Police 'too busy' for migrant death drama” in _The Guardian_. “Global death toll rises” in the _Indie_ , but they turned out to be talking about the ring-tailed lemur.

I proposed getting this Sherlock fellow to find out how the body got on the ship in the first place, then following the whole thing up with a big press splash a few days later when he's solved it. Perhaps even a picture of me shaking his hand in congratulation. Might even make the front pages, if we're lucky. At this point, both Humphrey and Mycroft choked, but it was Mycroft who looked like he'd bitten into a lemon.

“Some problem, Mycroft?” I asked. After all, he's new to the department, he's probably not used to the speed with which I can push through ideas2. Then I realised what a peculiar coincidence this was. “By the way, Holmes? Any relative?”

To my surprise, he nodded. The grimace twisted into a smile that was, if anything, even sourer.

“My brother, Minister.”

“Ah, excellent! I was going to ask Bernard to sound him out through the usual channels, but in that case, you can call him yourself. I'm sure he'll be delighted to help.”

“He may not be amenable to taking the case. He can be very picky. Something of a prima donna, to be honest,” Mycroft sighed.

I didn't believe a word of it. Sneaky bugger was just trying to wriggle out of something he didn't want to do. But I've had enough experience of Humphrey by now to know how to get round that one.

“I have every confidence in you, Mycroft. Keep me copied on the emails, won't you?”

“I shall do my utmost to promote your case, Minister,” he said.

I wonder what he meant by that?

1\. _Editor's note_ Hacker's memoirs here cast a fascinating light on one of the most influential, if enigmatic, figures of early 21st century government. Mycroft Holmes insisted to the end of his life that he was a minor government official of no particular importance. His exact involvement in key events of the era has yet to be determined as many of the relevant papers have been withheld from disclosure under the Thirty Year Rule. However, it is to be hoped that future scholars will find ample opportunity for research as the relevant archives are opened.

2\. At this stage in his career, Hacker was still nursing delusions about the extent of his ability to get things done as a Minister - Ed.

**Author's Note:**

> MI6 is based in Vauxhall, on the south bank of the River Thames.


End file.
